one year ago

One year. 

365 days. 

Seems like many more. 

Seems like many less. 

Oh these anniversaries are hard. 

Like the worst. 

Maybe the worst part of this day has been seeing my kids suffer. Older kids means they understand more whats been taken. Their hurt is very real. They aren't just sad because they see me sad. They miss grandma. And I hate that for them. Their tears break my heart. And I feel so gipped for the time they are missing out on with her. 

And I could sit around and focus on the horror that this day forces me to think about. But I try very hard to focus, instead, on how God orchestrates even the terrible parts of my life to be easier than they could be for me. 

For example: My mom died on a Thursday while we were in Florida on vacation. If she had died on Wednesday, we would have been at Disney World when we got the call. Can. You. Imagine? 

We had planned to go on Thursday, but on Tuesday night the forecast changed and we made a last minute decision to go on Wednesday....God changed the weather...God likes my family at Disney. I truly believe He protected us in that. 

I also focus on how He provided for us. We drove safely, 23 hours straight home under terrible circumstances.  My brothers all arrived in Grundy safely. When we pulled in the driveway they came pouring out of our house followed by our awesome friends. We were greeted that day in away that I will NEVER forget. Even now as I type this and remember standing in my front lawn surrounded by people I love...well, I'll tell you, I cant express it. But everyone should be loved like that. Everyone should have a moment like that in their life. 

We've lost a lot. My brothers and I lost both our parents WAY too early. We should have so many more years with them. They have grandchildren yet to meet and weddings to attend. 

Losing both parents is so indescribable...there is no longer anyone to call and say, 'hey when I was a kid did I...?' or 'Did grandma ever...?' Part of our heritage is lost and I find myself daily wishing I had asked more questions and written more things down. 

But we have such a rich legacy to treasure, such a strong faith to cling to and such strong ties to hold us up. On these days I am mostly thankful that my parents dream of a big family was a reality. That I have 6 ways to turn, 6 numbers to dial and 6 voices who know exactly how I feel when I'm low and homesick for my awesome parents. 

A year ago today I lost my mom. 

Mom. 

And all I can say on this day is that I am so blessed to have called her mom. 

She was the worlds best, most giving, selfless mother. 

She loved me unconditionally. She gave to me tirelessly. 

She prayed for me continually. 

Part of me is gone with her, with both my parents...but not forever. 

We will be reunited. My tears will end. My sorrow will be turned to joy. 

And until then I am happy to remember that while I grieve today, 

she is singing with Jesus today...celebrating her 365th day in heaven. 

And that makes this a most joyous day.