Blessed be the name of the Lord

This past Thursday, April 4th I received the call from my brother Jordan that mom was gone. 

I don't remember a lot of the next 24 hours. I know that I accused him of playing a sick joke and hanging up on him. I know that I cried and screamed and refused to believe it.  I know that I begged my husband to make the clock turn back so that I could have one more day, one more chance to tell her I loved her. 

I was quite literally knocked to the floor with grief and shock. To make it worse, we were on vacation in Florida. We had in fact just walked in the door to our condo from the beach. 

I went into a state of shock. 

My amazing Jordan, immediately took over and calmed his wife and children, packed our condo in 2 hours and drove us 23 hours home. He put me on the balcony starring at the ocean with Avery seated beside me. Then he and Lauren packed our condo in less than 2 hours. Wet clothes from the wash thrown into bag. Contessa packed my suitcase. 

Then he drove us 23 hours home. I think it was long. But then I remember little of it. Total shock. 

Once home we were met at our door step by my most amazing, weary and grieving brothers and the most dear friends known to mankind.

My friends relieved us of our children, took all our laundry, ushered us into our home STOCKED with food and supplies and held us up. 

Arriving home that day will be a moment I will never in my life forget. My friends you are angels...I could not love you more. I am indebted to you. I can hardly think of you without crying in gratefulness.

Over the first few days after her passing I softly heard the words, 'I Could Sing of Your Love Forever.' (MERCYME)...repeated over and over. God's gentle reminder that He is with us...in the midst of the most life altering and horrific moments....His love is beyond our comprehension.

I serve an MIGHTY Savior. And I give praise to Him that as of Thursday morning my mom was no longer struggling to breathe, no longer aching for my dad. No. She was instead bowing, dancing and singing at the feet of her Jesus. (And to think...she had just planned on making soup that morning.)

And second only to that moment was the moment when she saw my dad and he shouted, 'B.A.!' and they were reunited together after 7 very long years apart. I would have liked to have seen that reunion. Picturing it in my mind will get me through many hard days to come.

During the planning in preparation to say good bye our friends continued to hold us up. Bringing in more food, taking the kids, calling, texting, helping me with pictures and reminding me that God is in control. I thank the Lord for God fearing friends. 

Thank you cannot express what is in our hearts right now. We have cherished every word and prayer. I've only just begun to read through the cards from the funeral. But each one is precious. So many share heartfelt stories and memories of mom. 

I know two things now...
1. I have regrets and guilt regarding my mother, but I know that for the rest of my days I will strive to make her proud of me and I will never stop needing her. I will be sure that her legacy lives on. 
2. My blessings on this earth are endless...The Lord Giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21