whew....

Im not sure how time has passed so quickly since Avery's birthday.

I feel terrible that I havent even gotten Contessa's birthday post up. 

But Im pretty sure I am the only person who cares that it wont be up on her actual birthday..so Im choosing to let that one go. 

We've had a jam packed solid week of very fun events. 

I will get to those. 

And even some from prior to Avery's birthday. 

Eventually. 

It seems that the grief of losing my mom is very different from when I lost my dad.

The grief with dad was so violent. 

The grief with mom is so slow. 

I dont know if that makes sense but it does in my head.

Part of me seems to be absent.
Like Im watching our days from a seat in a theater.
I can see myself laughing, but I dont feel it.
Weird?
I know. 

And Im just wanting to get this down so that some day my kids can look back and understand where their mom has been the past 3 months. 

Grief like this is all consuming and not just emotional...its also physical and mental. 

My husband recently joked that I should not be allowed to drive a vehicle. 

I would have been annoyed except that it is very true. 

In the past month I've run stop signs, red lights, run over curbs and small animals, the list goes on. 

And I forget everything. 

Everything. 

I drop everything. 

I injure myself regularly. 

It is like I have a form of grief induced dementia. 

That is not a joke. 

I am so off. 

To top all this off we had another major life event - Jordan got a new job. 

A great job. 

I am beyond proud of my husband. 

If I try to tell you about that I will be in tears. 

But this move also requires a move for us.

to Des Moines. 

Its extremely hard. And extremely exciting.

Im not going into all of that right now. 

Again, tears would be plentiful. 

For now Jordan is commuting. 

He graciously offered to commute for a year so that I could prepare my mom's house to sell, grieve and just come to grips with all the change. 

He loves me so so well. 

I could not be more blessed by this man. 

Another aspect of my grief is a hatred, or at least aversion to my camera and my blog. 

Its like I feel that if Im documenting this time period...it is just going to reveal my grief. 

So Im saying that here in hopes that getting it out will get me back to blogging. 

Because I know that my kids want this time documented...and I know we will too. 

So I am trying to get back on here. 

But I make no promises.

In the mean time, I am thankful for this promise as I grieve.

Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you."