I couldn't put into words the difference between losing my dad and then my mom.
It was bugging me. I wanted it to make sense in my head.
A friend gave me this book and told me I had to read it.
A Grace Disguised
by Jerry Sittser
I'll admit, I had no intention of reading it.
I didnt want to read anything about how my grief was actually God's plan and goodness.
But I read the first page the other night.
And honestly that was enough for now.
Its going to be a slow read for me, as I work through all of this.
The first page was enough to digest for awhile.
Because he said exactly what I had been trying to say in my head...
'Catastrophic loss wreaks destruction like a massive flood. It is unrelenting, unforgiving and uncontrollable, brutally erosive to the body, mind and spirit. Sometimes loss does its damage instantly, as if it were a flood resulting from a broken dam that releases a great torrent of water, sweeping away everything in its path. Sometimes loss does its damage gradually, as if it were a flood resulting from unceasing rain that causes rivers and lakes to swell until they spill over their banks, engulfing, saturating and destroying whatever the water touches. In either case, catastrophic loss leaves the landscape of one's life forever changed.'
That's what my heart is feeling.
These two losses...one being relived almost PTS style and one fresh and new.
After I read that first page I opened my bible and it just so happened that a slip of paper fell out.
The slip held 2 bible verses that another friend had given to me after losing my dad.
This one reminded me that no matter my catastrophic loss I have a reward waiting for me and its better than anything I can imagine.
James 1:12 NIV
'Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.'
This world is loss.
Of all degrees, shapes and sizes.
But it is not our home.
Praise Him for that.
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