I've posted a lot of the good about what's been going on around here. I decided I needed to document some of the not so great moments of having an infant in the house again. Mostly so that a year from now when my husband says, 'Come on, dont you want one more?' I will be able to look back and see both ends of the deal! :)
Tess, I apologize, this is nothing against you sweet baby girl...just highlighting some of Mommy's weaknesses.
1. Guilt.(I know I've blogged about this before but its my biggest complaint so I have to have it on the list) I am always overcome by huge waves of guilt about my other kids. I feel that I'm not spending enough time with them and that I'm short tempered with them. I feel like they get gipped. I'm always saying, Shh, baby's sleeping. Or no, we cant, baby has to eat...etc. I know that every mother feels this. I also know that I have 3 younger brothers and I do not remember EVER feeling like I was getting a shaddy deal when they were brought home from the hospital. Well except for the fact that my parents never once brought me home a little sister! I also know that this feeling will pass and soon we will be a normal functioning family again and I will be feeling guilty that Tess is no longer a new born infant and that it went so quick! Actually this is already better after just 5 weeks.
2. Missing my husband. We have a routine. We get the kids to bed and we either watch a movie, a tv show or we read together. And while we do those things, we cuddle on the couch. Every night. I like routine. I thrive on it. So with an infant when that routine is thrown off, I get thrown off. I just miss my husband and our time together. Im not going to apologize for it.
Now we do get different time together. Time to sit and stare at our baby. To dream about her and talk about how perfect and precious she is. And that wont last forever, so Im trying to focus on that!
3. The state of my house. I cant keep on top of it all. The laundry, the dishes, the bottles, the toys. It seems unending. I remember thinking this when Avery and Sully were both born too. Eventually it will not seem like anything out of the ordinary to keep it all going. But for now, please dont look too close when you come into my home.
4. Mornings. Mornings are just plain insane. Four kids begging to be fed. One tired mommy. One daddy trying his hardest to be patient and helpful but desperately needing to be out the door for work. I know they'll get easier but for now I just count the seconds Jordan is out the door, breakfast is done and Tess has completed her first feeding. It is the most overwhelming time of my day and I dread it daily. I know there will be things that I dislike now, that I will miss in the future - but these mornings will NOT be one of those things!
5. I guess I really cant leave out lack of sleep. Although Tess has been so good to me. She gets up once a night which gives me atleast one 4-5 hour stretch of sleep most nights. I dont feel sleep deprived. But I'd rather be sleeping 8 hours instead of getting interupted! But she is VERY cuddly at 3 am!
6. Breastfeeding. Im sorry. I dont love it. I never have and its pretty obvious now that I never will. I do it because I feel its important for the baby, it helps us bond, it saves money and it shrinks my uterus!
7. Infants. Im not the best with newborns. I love them; how they smell, how they feel, their noises, their facial expressions...but I cant figure them out. Every cry seems to be yelling at me - if you were doing this right I wouldnt be unhappy! Infants make me feel like a failure. If all babies were born at 6 months of age - Id likely have 15 of them. Again, Tess Im sorry, you have been my easiest most content baby and I am enjoying you so much - but again, Im weak!
It is very evident to me that God uses new infants to remind me of my weaknesses. I know he is trying to teach me something, I just wish that my children didnt have to suffer because of it! They definetly deserve better than me. Hopefully the longer I do this, the more they will see Christ and the less of me they will see.
Having said all that I'll answer the question that we've been asked about 56 times since Tess was born - Are we done having kids?
The answer? Uh, we don't know. Ever since college we've said we would have 5 kids. I dont know where that # came from but it was our #. Then we started having kids and we said it was now a case by case basis!
With older children it becomes harder and harder to have an infant, that much I know. We are on the go more and have less time to sit and stare at the baby. But I can't say I FEEL done. I would say Jordan does not feel done. Before we decided to have Tess I knew if we didnt have ONE MORE, Id regret it when I was older. I dont know right now if I'll have that same thinking again. We'll see in a few years how we feel. That's the answer! Just what you were hoping for right?!?
5 comments:
the biggest regret my friends with two children have is that they stopped at 2....perhaps 7 is too many, yours haven't even reached those teen years yet!, but now, I realize that having 7 was the biggest blessing God ever gave to me
mom
wow! i feel like you're writing what's going on in my house and heart (all except for not being done having kids...I'M DONE! :-))
Becky-Just want to let you know that I admire you and Jordan a lot. You are such a wonderful family to admire! You handle it all well, from the outside looking in. I remember feeling how you did when Emerson was about 5 weeks old, but like you said it does seem to get easier, even with each week! I never thought I would get the housework done, cuddle with my kids, feed my kids and have time with my family! You are doing great!
You're not done having kids..remember? you need to have one for me:) I'll pick it up when it's potty trained! ahha
TRUST ME!!!! Numbers 5,6,7,and 8 are a lot easier than #'s 1,2,3 and 4. By the time you're ready for the next one, Lauren will be so much of a helper! It really does get easier...you just reach the point where you can't drive cool cars anymore.
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