my stack

Our curriculum arrived last week. 

So, I guess my summers over?!

Dont let me fool you...this stack of books got me more excited than I have been in months. 

Giddy. 

yeah, what he said...

I couldn't put into words the difference between losing my dad and then my mom. 

It was bugging me. I wanted it to make sense in my head. 

A friend gave me this book and told me I had to read it. 

A Grace Disguised

by Jerry Sittser

I'll admit, I had no intention of reading it. 

I didnt want to read anything about how my grief was actually God's plan and goodness.

But I read the first page the other night. 

And honestly that was enough for now. 

Its going to be a slow read for me, as I work through all of this. 

The first page was enough to digest for awhile. 

Because he said exactly what I had been trying to say in my head...

'Catastrophic loss wreaks destruction like a massive flood. It is unrelenting, unforgiving and uncontrollable, brutally erosive to the body, mind and spirit. Sometimes loss does its damage instantly, as if it were a flood resulting from a broken dam that releases a great torrent of water, sweeping away everything in its path. Sometimes loss does its damage gradually, as if it were a flood resulting from unceasing rain that causes rivers and lakes to swell until they spill over their banks, engulfing, saturating and destroying whatever the water touches. In either case, catastrophic loss leaves the landscape of one's life forever changed.'

That's what my heart is feeling. 

These two losses...one being relived almost PTS style and one fresh and new. 

After I read that first page I opened my bible and it just so happened that a slip of paper fell out. 

The slip held 2 bible verses that another friend had given to me after losing my dad. 

This one reminded me that no matter my catastrophic loss I have a reward waiting for me and its better than anything I can imagine. 

James 1:12 NIV

'Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.'

This world is loss. 

Of all degrees, shapes and sizes.

But it is not our home. 

Praise Him for that. 

Heart Therapy

Yesterday we took our annual trip to Adventureland. 

Its like Christmas for the kids. 

This year was even better because we went with Jordan's parents, 2 sisters and kids, as well as Jordan's uncle and cousin and their kids. We were quite the crew.

I ended up with these 2 most of the day, just the 3 of us.

The older kids were off with Jordan and older cousins on the big rides and while I would have liked to have been there for some of that, this was just what I needed. 

It was easy and fun. 

Hearing their giggles and seeing their constant smiles was just the type of therapy my weary heart needed.

Tori was just precious and excited all day. It took her a bit to warm up to the rides.

At the very end we went on the tea cups one last time. 

She had not liked this ride at first. 

But this time she was ready. 

She walked right up to the guy at the controls, patted his leg and said, 'not too fast ok?'

It was my favorite part of the day. 

Probably his too.

(nice smile Tess!)

They did the boats like 5 times...pretending they were Troy behind the wheel!

The Frog Hopper is always one of the bigger hits. 

We met up with all the little cousins for this ride and even got Grandma to join in the fun!

And then there is this guy.

Can you say limitless energy and patience?

He carried kids and ran through the park to keep everyone happy and hydrated all day.  

He does my weary heart good too.

A few more pics from the day...

A League of Their Own

One of the most special moments at my mom's funeral was talking with her high school friends. 

They were such a close group and we were always hearing about them. 

They were still planning get togethers a couple of times per year even recently.

Shortly after the funeral one of mom's friends called to invite my brothers and I to the 50th Anniversary celebration of their State Softball victory.

I knew that mom would have loved nothing more than to have gone. 

So I was very excited to take my kids and be there to represent her. 

My brother Jordan came along with us. 

He was an avid baseball player and learned a lot about the sport from her. 

They played countless hours of catch in our yard...countless. 

My mom played 3rd base and even had a homerun in the final game. 

She loved that time of her life. 

I will admit that I was so nervous to go. 

I knew it would be hard. 

But having Jordan there and then having my husband Jordan meet us there helped a lot. 

And the minute we got to the field we were flocked by mom's friends. 

We were hugged and they were just so happy to see us! 

I could have listened to them talk about 'the good ole days' for hours. 

They talked about sleepovers at my mom's house and late nights goofing around. 

I think I would have liked being part of their group. 

Jordan even talked to one gal who was in 8th grade when my mom and her friends were in high school. Her quote was, 'It was an honor just to carry their gloves!'

Yes, she really said that!

This is 3 of mom's good friends and their coach!

They called all the team members out onto the field one by one in between a varsity softball double header. It was truly like a scene out of the movie A League of Their Own. 

You could just feel the history.

They told how the school at first had no money to even have uniforms...so the girls played in jeans and white blouses. After the 1st year when the girls displayed so much talent the parents held a fund raiser and made enough to purchase uniforms. 

 All the remaining team members. 

It wasn't easy when they called mom's name and Jordan and I walked out to the 1st base line to take her place. But it helped so much to know that mom would have been SO proud that we were there for her. 

There is no where on earth I would have rather been on that night. 

Yep...

no sweat

Jordan is in marathon training mode again. 

I am not a fan of him out running in this heat for long periods of time. 

Last night he came in and said, 'Look honey, Im fine, not even breaking a sweat!'

Happy 5th Birthday Contessa Caroline!!!

I really love the age 5. 

And I really think its sad!

Contessa you are no longer a baby!

You are a big girl. 

(birthday morning...ready to let everyone know this day was all about her! She requested wearing a tutu for the day)

At 5 you love Barbies, hanging out with your big sisters, your daddy, grandma, make up, fancy clothes, princesses, dancing, cousin Adele, friends Emmy, Caturella and Jocelyn. 

You detest bedtime, being told what to do and when it someone else's turn to do ANYTHING. 

(March 2013, with her best pal, cousin Adele - their teenage years will kill me.)

(playing in the sand - April 2013, New Smyrna Beach, FL)

Yes, you are our dark eyed, stubborn, defiant princess. 

You are our only child who will look me straight in the eye and say no...with zero hope of backing down. 

You are adorable and you know it. 

Your eyes could charm the hardest of hearts and you know it. 

You give me the biggest headaches and make me pull my hair straight out of my head. 

I truly believe all 4 of your siblings are deathly afraid of you!

Wow, girl...can you say temper?!

(A little snuggle time with her biggest enemy and biggest confidant - Fall 2012)

You are your daddy are two peas in a pod. 

You know that he cannot resist you and you know just how to play that up!

The two of you together give me grays daily...but I love watching you. 

You are daddy's girl. 

(hiking in Decorah - Fall 2012)

(Disney World - April 2013)

Oh, Tess you are a sweetie. 

You are the first to shout out, 'I love you!'

You love to snuggle and touch. 

You'll curl up and read with me. 

You'll color pictures for hours. 

You are so excited for preschool this year. 

Spending your time creating masterpieces for loved ones is one of your favorite hobbies. 

You make strangers stop and smile. 

I love that. 

Contessa when you were born I ate up your baby days. 

You were so sweet and special, even if you did not nap until you were at least 6 months old. 

You were so naughty and sweet as a toddler. 

Sugar and Spice...yes that is YOU!

(Disney 2013 - outside the 'Tangled world')

You keep our family laughing and guessing. 

I am not sure what we would do without you. 

I am so thankful that you came to live at our house. 

I am so blessed to know you. 

(Birthday morning breakfast at the hotel - 2013)

I know that your stubbornness will bring great things someday. 

I know Jesus has a very special plan for you...one that only you could accomplish. 

Thank you for being our strong, snuggly, 5 year old princess!

We would not change one single thing about you!

(always our princess - new fancy jammies and a crown on her special day!)

All the love we can give, 

Mommy and Daddy 

whew....

Im not sure how time has passed so quickly since Avery's birthday.

I feel terrible that I havent even gotten Contessa's birthday post up. 

But Im pretty sure I am the only person who cares that it wont be up on her actual birthday..so Im choosing to let that one go. 

We've had a jam packed solid week of very fun events. 

I will get to those. 

And even some from prior to Avery's birthday. 

Eventually. 

It seems that the grief of losing my mom is very different from when I lost my dad.

The grief with dad was so violent. 

The grief with mom is so slow. 

I dont know if that makes sense but it does in my head.

Part of me seems to be absent.
Like Im watching our days from a seat in a theater.
I can see myself laughing, but I dont feel it.
Weird?
I know. 

And Im just wanting to get this down so that some day my kids can look back and understand where their mom has been the past 3 months. 

Grief like this is all consuming and not just emotional...its also physical and mental. 

My husband recently joked that I should not be allowed to drive a vehicle. 

I would have been annoyed except that it is very true. 

In the past month I've run stop signs, red lights, run over curbs and small animals, the list goes on. 

And I forget everything. 

Everything. 

I drop everything. 

I injure myself regularly. 

It is like I have a form of grief induced dementia. 

That is not a joke. 

I am so off. 

To top all this off we had another major life event - Jordan got a new job. 

A great job. 

I am beyond proud of my husband. 

If I try to tell you about that I will be in tears. 

But this move also requires a move for us.

to Des Moines. 

Its extremely hard. And extremely exciting.

Im not going into all of that right now. 

Again, tears would be plentiful. 

For now Jordan is commuting. 

He graciously offered to commute for a year so that I could prepare my mom's house to sell, grieve and just come to grips with all the change. 

He loves me so so well. 

I could not be more blessed by this man. 

Another aspect of my grief is a hatred, or at least aversion to my camera and my blog. 

Its like I feel that if Im documenting this time period...it is just going to reveal my grief. 

So Im saying that here in hopes that getting it out will get me back to blogging. 

Because I know that my kids want this time documented...and I know we will too. 

So I am trying to get back on here. 

But I make no promises.

In the mean time, I am thankful for this promise as I grieve.

Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you."