Whew, we made it through another feast. My mom hosted close to 40 people again this year. And while her house is big, we were still busting at the seams. The kids had so much fun playing with cousins (my cousins' kids) that they seldom get to see.
For some reason I thought that this year was going to be easier than last year. But it wasn't. Last year maybe we were all still numb or in shock of my dead's absence. This year we are left with the cold hard fact that he is not here. We cant hear him complaining about having to eat turkey (he didnt like it, my mom always made a roast for him), we couldnt hear he and his brother telling countless stories about their childhood in good ole' Fayette, we didnt get to make fun of him when he took a nap while company was still overflowing in the house. We didnt get to hear him giving my mom a bad time telling her that the meal was subpar and we didnt get to hear him draw us all together for the prayer of thanksgiving before the meal.
This year I was struck with the realization that this isnt going to get easier. Your heart doesnt mend over some wounds. As I was putting up the Christmas tree this afternoon, hanging all my old ornaments, my eyes were suddenly full of tears and I just missed being a kid. Missed the times when after dad would get really upset putting the lights on the tree, we'd sit around together and admire it when it was all decorated. I guess I miss being innocent of this kind of pain. I miss my dad.
As Christmas is now rapidly approaching I am so very thankful for my family. Thankful for my Savior who wont take away the pain, but will give me reason to rejoice. Reason to look to the sky in great hope. I know that someday soon we will all celebrate the most wonderful Christmas together with my dad but more importantly with Jesus Christ. The Reason for Every Season.
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