Memorial Day Weekend

Our weekend is busy...a little bit of fun and a whole lot more work at mom's. 

But I dont want to forget what this long weekend stands for...

I read this today and goosebumps rose to my skin and tears came to my eyes. 

Thank you just doesn't seem like enough. 

The Five Sullivan Brothers

A knock at the door early one January morning in 1943 brought Thomas Sullivan

face-to-face with three men in naval dress uniforms.

"Which one?" Thomas asked. 

"I'm sorry," replied one of them.

"All five."

Spring Soccer

Hard to believe Spring Soccer is over for the year. 

It was a blur...we've been a little distracted the past 6 weeks or so. 

I dont think I took my real camera to a single game. 

Im not sure I even saw a full game of Lauren's. 

Ugh. 

But I cant let these pictures taken by one of Sullivan's coaches go unposted. 

He had great coaches. He loved his 'cowboy coach'. 

Dave was so good with the boys. 

SO encouraging, SO fun. 

So laid back. 

This was halftime. 

They surprised the boys with a medal ceremony after their last game...

a reward for lots of hard work. 

It was so special...and I was crying. 

The boys thought they were pretty cool with their hardware! 

my lucky # is 6.

As a young girl I wasted many hours begging and pleading for a sister. I am ashamed to admit I recall crying myself to sleep on occasion because of this 'unanswered prayer'. 

In fact, when my youngest brother was born and I found out he was a boy...I locked myself in the bathroom and would not come out. 

I vividly remember my anger and despair! :)

As an adult I am so thankful that I was blessed with of the most amazing and strong and supportive brothers. Boys. 6 boys. No one has ever prayed for that one! :)

I needed brothers. I didnt know that.
I would have been bad at a sister relationship.
I know that now. 

I am who I am today because of each one of my brothers.

6 of my most favorite people in the entire world. 

I love how our family dynamic works. Even when its dysfunctional. 

I love having brothers. 

And today, I am honestly happy that I get to be the only sister to those 6. 

I could not have made it through this week without them. 

Tonight I am just so very thankful for family. 

I am one blessed girl...we have lost much...but have so much to hold on to. 

My parents would be so proud of us this week. 

I wish I could see the approval and happiness in their faces. 

So 6 is my lucky #.

That makes me smile. 

(Side note...the fact that they have given me amazing sister-in-laws doesn't hurt one bit!)

fortune

My fortune cookie saying tonight...

'A part of us remains wherever we have been.'

timely.

a legacy

This week is the week we've all been dreading/looking forward to 

since we got the call that our mom was gone. 

That doesnt make sense does it? 

Try getting in my head...it will make less sense trust me.

You know there is nothing I love more than being surrounded by my brothers and their wives. 

But being surrounded by them in our parents home...as we sort, divide, toss and riffle through almost 50 years of 'life'...is not how I'd choose to spend my time with them. 

But it had to be done. 

Today was the first full day. 

So very hard. 

We made excellent progress. 

We had gorgeous weather..the house was open...and there was an awesome breeze. 

My prayer was that as we cleaned and sorted we would do it in honor of our parents. 

That we would treat their belongings with respect and yet, not be insane enough to think we could keep all of it. 

We've done that. 

We are each getting our special pieces. 

Each finding our treasures.

We've each found things that brought us to tears...some sobbing tears. 

We've found more things that made us gasp and laugh and hug and laugh more. 

This process is indescribable.

Searching through your legacy. 

What your parents have left for you. 

Reading through your childhood through journals and pictures. 

Searching through antique trunks of ancient pictures of relatives and days gone by.

Remembering - the good ole' days.

"I wish there was a way to know you're in the 'good ole' days' before you've actually left them"

-Andy Bernard - The Office. 

One thing is for sure...our parents left us the most wonderful, messy, perfect, lasting, treasured legacy to be known. They left us with memories, and countless stories. My parents ALWAYS talked about our ancestors and I felt I know them...even though I never met them. 

I see their pictures and I see myself...or my children. 

I know endless details of both of their childhoods that I would imagine most dont have the honor of knowing. 

My parents knew how to give a gift of memories. 

They left a legacy...through their words and their stories. 

I wouldn't trade that for an inheritance of millions of dollars. 

Not for one second.

So this week is hard...and likely the most emotional of my life. 

And yet, I dont want it to end. 

I want to hold on. 

Keep my tight grip. 

Keep the memories. 

Keep that house...the love.
Keep all the STUFF. 

Of course, we cannot.
And the house and the stuff are just that...stuff.
Hard to leave, hard to let go of...yet, still just stuff.

But try and take that legacy...you cannot. 

Legacies are forever and cannot be stolen. 

Not even by time. 

TETELESTI

I mentioned at the funeral that my mom was a 'Jack of All Trades'. 

I wasn't lying...but I left out one of her talents...

she wrote a song. 

Well she wrote the words and the melody and then I believe she worked with a friend compose it. 

My sister-in-law sang it at the funeral. 

Its beautiful. 

The week after the funeral I received this beautiful piece in the mail. 

No enclosure card...I do not know who it is from. 

I wish so that I could say thank you. 

It will be treasured I can assure you. 

Tetelesti - It Is finished. 

The words Jesus uttered on the cross when He had died for me. 

Beautiful. Simple. Live Changing. 

The music and words to mom's song are below 

and I think she was the coolest person, ever.

'Te-teles-te'

Te-teles-te, said my Master

As He hung upon Calvary's tree

Te-teles-te, said my Savior

When He took my sin, set me free

It is finished, it is done, it is completed. 

His blood was shed there for you and for me. 

Praise God, it is perfect atonement.

Trust in Jesus, nothing more do you need. 

Te-teles-te He showed His love there.

Freely given, grace did freely flow.

Te-teles-te He will take your sin and wash you much whiter than snow.

It is finished, it is done, it is completed. 

His blood was shed there for you and for me. 

Praise God, it is perfect atonement. 

Trust in Jesus, nothing more do you need. 

Oh wont you please take my Jesus?

Open up your heart to His call. 

Make Him your Lord and your Savior.

Te-teles-te, Christ paid it all. 

It is finished, it is done, it is completed. 

His blood was shed there for you and for me. 

Praise God, it is perfect atonement. 

Trust in Jesus, nothing more do you need. 

 

one tough lesson to learn...

Listen here...

Even If...

Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise 

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

good for my heart

My favorite part of homeschooling...

so good for my weary heart right now. 

This pretty much sums up the week...

My Mantra

This is my mantra...the verse, the words, the song that is getting me though.

It reminds me that this world is not my home. 

An infinite amount of joy is waiting for me. 

I just have to have faith and wait.

I picture My Savior, my father and my mother sitting in heaven, PLEADING with me to trust that the timeline of my life that they can view is so beautiful...so perfect, that the picture they see is His picture.

Just asking me to trust that the view from above is perfect. Not an accident. 

While I run, I repeat the words to this song, 

While I sit with my children at school I repeat this verse. 

While I try to drift off to sleep at night I repeat this promise to myself over and over. 

Josh Wilson

Before the Morning

(I've bolded the words that I know were written just for me.)

Do you wonder why you have to,
Feel the things that hurt you,
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling, 
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going,
You just don't know how you get there
So just say a prayer.
And hold on, cause there's good who love God,
Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
But you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling, 
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah,
Before the morning,
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the way of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory
Memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

Com'n, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the hurt before the healing
The pain you've been feeling,
Just the dark before the morning
Before the morning, yeah, yeah
Before the morning

books/stories

Sullivan: 'Mom, what do you say, you know, when you want to say that your house is like, this many books high?'

Me - totally confused.

Sullivan: 'You know, come on mom...My house is 2 books high!?!?'

Me: 'OH!!! You mean, 2 STORIES high!?!?'

Sullivan: 'YES! Duh.'

I love him.

Baub

Torrance was bringing me random pictures today and telling me who was in them. 

She brought me one of my mom and dad and pointed to my dad and said, 'Icarhard.'

I was so happy. 

Then she pointed to my mom and said, 'who dat?'

Not good. Its been less than a month. 

So I took the kids over to my mom's this afternoon to help Tori remember.

It was hard. I haven't had them there. 

I avoid going myself. 

It was hard to pull up and see her flowers popping up and knowing 

how excited she would have been for that. 

It was hard to have the kids wait at the back door while I unlocked it. 

Grandma's house has never been locked before. 

It was hard when Sullivan started pointing out all grandma's things, like her shoes, her coat...and asking, what are we going to do with all of this mom? 

It was excruciating when we walked in and Tori started calling for grandma.

She called her BAUB. Not Grandma, not Mama...

Just Baub. 

Lauren and I were both sobbing. 

Then Tori turned and said, 'Baub died??'

Then she started to play with all her toys there. 

She sat here with a baby doll and an old purse on a rocking horse my grandpa made. 

I could only be sorry for the days I didn't stop by so she could sit on that horse 

and make my mom's day. 

And I know, she is in heaven and yes, that is better. 

But I'm on earth. 

And its hard to know that my kids could forget their grandma. 

Homeschool Monday Fun

Im finding the only way I can blog is to do so with phone pictures....

We moved to Japan in school today. 

And so we did some Origami. 

The easy ones we could handle...but for the more complex we resorted to scissors and tape!

After lunch the 2 older girls were at the school and the 3 younger ones and I were outside playing and cleaning out the van. They were enjoying bomb pops. 

Sullivan said, 'I sure do love homeschooling.'

He enjoys the perks like popsicles and trampoline jumping at 1 in the afternoon!

Missing Mom tonight

We've had a very busy and fun weekend so far. 

Busy is good. 

Very good. 

Right now I want to be busy pretty much non stop.

Tonight when we finally slowed down...her absence was blaring again. 

My brothers started a family blog. 

A place for us to grieve together, share funny stories, pictures and just stay connected. 

Its like, the best.

Tonight one of my brothers posted this picture of my mom. 

I had never seen it. 

And its so good. 

Its the mom I miss. 

Happy, energetic and doing what she loved. 

But tonight this picture makes me miss her so very much that I almost cannot stand it. 

China

Our latest 'destination' in school has been China. 

Its been fun because there are art projects than some of the other countries have had. 

We learned about chinese dragons and celebrating the Chinese New Year. 

The girls chose to paint dragons. 

Next we learned about how often Chinese artists do not sign their work, but instead stamp their initials. 

So we made our own stamps and 'signed' the work. 

I love their finished products. 

Lauren:

Avery:

(Sullivan opted out of this project...I wasn't in the mood to fight it that day)

Happy Birthday, my love

One thing I'm learning as I 'grow up'...is that it can be really hard to deal with this life.

However, I think what might be harder, at least at times, is to be the one sitting beside the one that is getting tossed around in the not fun stuff...to be the supporter and the rock. 

My supporter and rock is this guy...

And it just happens to be his birthday today. 

And I cant say too much without being a huge mess. 

But I have to say thank you. 

For being the one who holds me up constantly. 

The one who knows when to say things and when to be quiet. 

The one who hurts with me the most.

You are my greatest gift. 

And my most favorite person...EVER.

I love you...

Happy Birthday. 

day brightener

Someday I will blog normally again, about everyday, boring, awesome, heart pumping, life worth living, mundane, messy, in the trenches stuff....and possibly even about the wonderful vacation we were on when the rug got ripped out from under us...

...but my heart is not there. 

Right now my heart is just sad and sore.

And that's when I'm so glad I have a Savior, 

Who is the same, 

'...yesterday, today, FOREVER!' Hebrews 13:8

Who asks me to give it all to him, 

'Cast all your ANXIETY on Him for He cares for you.' I Peter 5:7

Who just tells me to,

 'Be Still and Know...'

Psalm: 46:10

Im blessed to know that its ok to just BE right now. 

He's there. 

He's got us. 

And I'm so thankful He sent us the world's most caring friends. 

They let me vent, insanely at times. 

They let me be silent.

They take me out for fun.

They let me cry...and stop by for hugs in the middle of thunderstorms...

They are holding us up. 

And today I especially love the one who sent this to me...just when I needed it. 

Day BRIGHTENED!!! 

Thank you so very much. 

Its the most fun and exciting thing to get in the mail!

(Not the best phone pic...they are chocolate covered strawberries, apples and bananas!)

Hey Team 007

This is me. 

The weak link in our team.

Out running, way to late and in the rain...or should I say, DOWNPOUR.

That is dedication people. 

You can thank me later. 

(also, I feel the need to say, I do not like nascar)

Amen

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” -- C.S. Lewis "Mere Christianity"

She did it her way...

Sometime back my brother Robert wrote a poem to commemorate the night my parents eloped...he read it at mom's funeral and it was so perfect. I love it. 

Grandpa carried the bags that night

When Mother proved her courage…

After midnight on January 8th, but nobody knew till May.

Well, the justice knew

And Dad was there (of course),

And their were the make-shift witnesses-

He in a dirty beater and her in curlers.

Not like the movies- not like the pictures I saw in youth.

Not very romantic really…

40 years of marriage, 7 children, and a dozen grandkids ahead…

But who’d of guessed?

Not Grandma, who stormed out crying when she was told.

Not the Justice, returning from a party to a sloppily-written-note on his door.

I can’t think my folks didn’t wonder either,

If the bowling alley with the missing ‘W’ wasn’t an inauspicious start.

But they filled the time and bowled their frames,

Maybe she had a Singapore Sling and he a Rum & Coke

Yes, they were in love

Maybe they didn’t know what love was.

Then they went back to the house in Harmony Village

The justice found those sleepy neighbors

And something was started

That still endures today.

My mother, the Dairy Princess,

The horse tamer

The girl who won the State Championship game with a grand slam blast

Had done it her own way once again.