five years

Its been 5 years.

An Anniversary I do not want to celebrate.

Five years since I took the worst phone call of my life and heard my mom's voice sound shakier than I have ever heard.

Five years since I felt panic and terror and shock.

Five years since I witnessed my grown brothers cry like children.

Five years.

Five years since I last felt his scratchy beard.

Five years since I last heard his loud laugh.

Five years since I saw his contagious smile.

Five years since I saw him hold one of my kids in a way only 'grandpa' can.

Five years since I felt him give me a hug.

After five years I've learned so much. Learned that I have much more to be thankful for than I have to be sad about. Learned to remember all the things that made him DAD instead of the terror of that morning.

Probably my biggest saddness over his death remains that I dont get to see him with my children. I will forever feel cheated that they missed out on having him as Papa. I would have loved to see him and Sully riding around in his beat up Toyota. I have no doubt they would have made many trips to the 'tree dump' together and probaby spent some good times at Menards.

One great thing about my dad was the way he talked about his OWN dad. I never knew my grandpa, he died when I was a baby. But my dad talked about him constantly. I know many things about him. I know all about the 'filling station' that he owned, I know he loved to fish, I know he spent time at Mullins Tavern in Fayette! I know he went to war and missed my grandma terribly, I know he loved to joke and laugh like my dad, I know he knew everyone in their small town by first name, I know he treated people fairly and with a smile.

My dad taught me to love a man I never knew...my grandpa Buzz.

And so I will spend the rest of my life teaching my kids to love the man they never got to meet...their Papa Richard.

So today when we went to his grave and released five balloons for five years...each of the kids had things to say about. They know things he would say about them, they know nicknames he had for them and for me. They know funny stories about him and they know his beard was scratchy. And so much more. And in honor of him I will ensure that their knowledge of him only grows with each passing year. So that he continues to live on forever.

Dad, After five years I still know your smile, I see it in the smiles of strangers and I feel your presence even when you are not there. I have not forgotten one thing about you.

And I miss too many things to list.

Five years.

I am reminded that compared to the eternity we will spend together in heaven...five years is nothing. And I long for the huge hug I will get from you someday when I enter those pearly gates.

I love you Dad. I miss you and I think of you everyday.

Thank you...for being so 'miss-able'.