The Wallet

I talk a lot about my dad on here. And I dont know what it is but lately I feel like I could post about him or about loss in general, every week. Maybe its the time of year, the time of year that we lost him, the time of year that we celebrate his birthday, the time of year when we all get together and have picnics and BBQ's and fun. Maybe its that my brothers are all coming home and Im so excited to see them but I hate getting together without my dad there too. 
 
Sometimes I think I'm doing so well, being so 'strong'. And then its like the wounds are fresh. Like when you have a cut and it has healed up and the scab or maybe a scar remain. Then for some reason you do something, something happens and the scab tears off or the scar gets reopened. And there it is, the wound is fresh, and deep and maybe even more painful than it was when it was new. 
 
Not that things aren't a little better, they are. I can sit and think about my dad now and smile. I can laugh at his old jokes and sayings. But I cant picture his smile and not cry. I cant remember the way he'd look at his kids with sheer joy and not feel jipped. I cant look at Sullivan and not feel angry that he never got to ride in Papa Richard's truck and 'fix' things with him. I cant kiss Contessa's cheek and not realize that my dad never even got to touch that soft soft cheek. I know I am lucky. He walked me down the aisle, he held my my 3 older children, he saw me do so much, I got to share so much of my life with him...but I still feel angry, ripped off. Resentful that my extended family has a gaping hole in it. And while I know my God is in control, I also know that some of this I am not meant to understand until we are all together in Heaven, so the waiting is hard. 
 
And I try not to write about it too much. Writing is my outlet and it makes things feel more real, and some of the things, I dont want to feel any more 'real'. 
 
Then the other day I started thinking, you know if I dont write about this, if I dont force myself to remember, to relive it, to reopen those wounds and FEEL, then I'm not being true to myself and I'm not allowing myself to really remember him. I'm not allowing God to do the work in my that He is trying to do. And I'm keeping a side of my dad from my children and a side of loss from them even a side of myself. I want them to know that its ok to hurt. That 3 years after losing someone you love, its still ok to stand in a department store and cry like it was yesterday...and so that leads to the story of the wallet. And in telling it I know it will hurt, the scab is ripping off, but I also know that someday in the future it might help my children to feel 'normal' as they grieve some tragedy. I also know that in telling it, I'll be reminded of my dad's smile, the smile he used to show when we'd give him gifts...he loved to give and receive gifts. And I know that in the hurt, my God is there. 
 
The Wallet:
This past weekend we were in Dillards and I was waiting for Jordan and Sully to come out of the restroom and the girls were playing near me in the clothes racks (Dillards employees love us). I was browsing through some ties and things and came to wallets. I try very hard to avoid the wallet section in the men's department. But I came face to face with it and I was in tears. Standing in Dillards, crying ... Lauren and Avery started asking, what's the matter mommy!? I hugged them and said I was just having a moment and then, luckily for me, God sent Sully running out of the bathroom to announce that he'd gone potty like a big boy, AGAIN! I scooped him up and hugged him tight and left the wallets behind. 

But the reason for the tears stayed with me....here's the reason for the tears: 
 
So in 2006 I must have been ahead of the game. I bought Father's Day presents for Jordan, his dad and my dad in May. Wow, way ahead of the game! 

I bought my dad a wallet. We'd all been making fun of his, it was falling apart and looked terrible and things would fall out of it. Not really serving its purpose anymore. 

So I picked through the wallets at Younkers and found the perfect one. Not a real exciting gift but I knew he'd like it and I knew he'd be happy when we stopped making fun of the one he was using. 

Then at the beginning of June, my dad died. A few weeks later I came across the wallet and my heart sank as I realized I'd have to return it. I considered keeping it and having Jordan use it but I knew I really never wanted to see the thing again so I vowed to return it. 

Later that summer I went to accomplish that task. Normally when you return things they just say, here's your money back. But this particular clerk was intent on doing a great job as a sales woman that day and she said, "Well, what's wrong with it? Do you want a different color? We have lots of different styles? Why dont you just exchange it?" on and on her questions went. 

All the while my heart is beating faster and faster and the tears are getting closer and closer to spilling out. 
Finally they did and I sternly informed the clerk that it was for my father for Father's Day and he had died 2 weeks before the day so I couldn't exactly give it to him. She starred at me stunned, apologized and remained red in the face until I walked away, shaking, crying and very sorry for having snapped at her but wanting more than anything to change the past and have that wallet in my dad's pocket rather than on that check out counter. 
 
So Lauren and Avery, that was why I was standing in Dillards this weekend crying. And I want you to know that sometimes hurts dont go away in a short time, sometimes they never go away. But God is there, He's standing beside us, He might not be calming the storm, but He is there to calm us, to hold us close and He has promised, that someday, someday he'll wipe the tears away but until then, its ok, to be sad. 

Revelation 21:3-4 "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."