I even miss the bad...

Moments of this Christmas were hard for me.

The hardest I've had since my dad died.

I think it was the realization I had this year that things aren't going to get better.

I wont fully heal from this.

I found myself under the tree in tears a lot.

Missing him, missing my childhood and

aching for others who I knew were spending their first christmases without a loved one.

I shared all this with my husband and told him I was tired of being sad and hurting.

In all his loving wisdom he reminded me that being sad isn't a bad thing...hurting isn't wrong.

That God wants me to have a soft heart and to need Him when I am down and weary.

That God cant do much with a hardened heart...He works with the soft and broken hearts...the ones longing for Him and asking Him for help.

And of course, he is right.

I don't want to be hard and calloused.

I don't want to be unfeeling and cold.

I want to learn from this pain and help others with theirs.

So that reminder was good.

But again, it doesn't stop the pain and it still cuts deep.

This year I seemed to be mostly remembering some of the funny/annoying things that made up my dad...the bad, if you will.

I find it humbling to learn that the things that used to drive me crazy about him...the things that made me leave his house in anger...are now, on our fifth Christmas without him, some of the things I miss the most.

So in honor of him and just so I don't forget any of these things -

here is my list of annoying things about my dad.

(and yes, as Jordan will tell you...I inherited many of these directly from him...poor Jordan)

*He required a lot of sleep. And he loved to nap.

He was famous for sneaking upstairs for a nap once a holiday or party started to wind down. We even invented 'Upstairs Christmas' to interrupt these naps...This involved all of us kids and the grandkids grabbing annoying and loud musical instruments and marching up to his room and playing and singing loudly and badly until he gave in and came back down.

*He required massive amounts of caffeine to combat this need for sleep.

His source of choice was iced tea. Mine is Mt. Dew.

*He was opinionated - I mean passionate!

Don't get him started on politics if you aren't ready for a big debate.

*He was ultra competitive.

We all inherited this one.

Many card games are ended with one team no longer on speaking terms with the other, screaming and slamming of doors...ok, maybe that was just me, but I still got it from him. And its not a real attractive trait.

*He had a massive temper.

Thankfully this eased a lot as he aged.

But I remember tiptoeing around the house as a kid when he was in a bad mood.

I remember complaining to my mom that I couldn't even talk to him at times because he got so angry. I remember slamming doors and stomping my feet because I was so angry BACK at him!

I'm so sorry I did this now. I wish I'd have tried harder to talk to him and figure him out instead.

*He was a pouter.

My dad could sulk.

Like a child.

He could put on a face and sit in his chair and stare at the tv unmoving

like no one I've ever met.

So can I.

*He was the king of sarcasm.

This just happens to be my family's love language.

The problem is that Im not sure anyone outside our family really ever knew if he was kidding or not...when in doubt - he was kidding.

*He told stupid jokes.

And thought he was very very funny.

I remember after church EVERY Sunday...we would pull into the drive way and he would say to my mom, "Barbara, RUN, I mean RUN into the house and get my lunch on the table."

She would glare at him and he would smirk.

And I'm sure she never walked slower into the house.

If you asked him to turn up the tv...he would take the remote and physically hold it up in the air higher and higher - turning it up.

He found it hysterical.

We did not.

This list of his 'jokes' could go on for pages....

*He had a crazy appetite and would often request 'second supper' at like 10 pm.

*He didn't do well on amusement park rides.

We arrived at Adventureland one year...did the tea cups and the Galleon and then my dad proceeded to get sick and spend the rest of our time there in the car.

*The sun gave him awful headaches.

I remember him wearing 2 and 3 sets of sunglasses

AT A TIME to try and keep the suns rays at bay.

It embarrassed me like crazy as a teenager.

But now I've been tempted to try this myself.

*He suffered from migraine headaches.

He missed out on lots of family fun due to these headaches.

And I know from experience how horrible they can be.

*He was a slob.

He would leave his socks and other clothes and towels scattered around and my mom would pick them up over and over. It had to have been so aggravating.

But I know she would give anything to pick those socks up again...

*He was cheesy and sappy.

He wrote my mom lovey dovey cards and poems.

Sometimes they were really good and sometimes they were so over the top they even made my mom want to gag. He could tear up at movies and he loved romantic comedies.

*He was a nite owl who could sleep the morning away.

Me too!

*He could be a horrible dresser.

Black socks, shorts and slippers was not an uncommon combination.

Again, as a teen I hated this! How could my dad be so out of it?!?

Now I truly miss it.

That's just the start of my list and I'm sure my brothers could add much more.

And while its not an excuse for us to annoy those we love...it is a good reminder to be a little easier on each other. To criticize a little less and love a little harder.

Because someday the thing you find the most frustrating about

someone could be the thing you miss the very most.

Love you dad...Christmas isn't the same without your laugh.