Sometimes...

I can admit it.

Sometimes I still sob uncontrollably.

Sometimes I wake in the night sweating and shaking after a vivid dream.

Sometimes I feel hollow.

Sometimes I feel very ripped off.

Sometimes I still feel very raw.

Sometimes I still drive past his grave and say very angry things to him.

Sometimes I sit at his grave and I tell God, "I'm really angry at him...and worse, I'm really angry at you. You didn't HAVE to take him. You didn't HAVE to have it work this way."

I'm often ruled by my emotions...I'm overly emotional, my emotions sit right on my surface...you never have to guess what I'm feeling. (Just ask my husband, or my mom, or Melanie, or my poor kids.)

And after having said all that. I'm so very grateful that my God, my Savior is not ruled by those emotions that tend to control me.

Because my emotions, and the truths that HE tells me, often times, most times, do NOT go together. Most times they are in direct conflict of each other actually.

Because HE tells me in

James 1:2-4

" My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire wanting nothing."

and in Romans 8:28

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

And emotions don't change Him. He is the same, yesterday, today, FOREVER (Hebrews 13:8). What a promise. What a faith we can have in that.

I think if Christ were ruled by emotions...we might have had a different outcome in the Garden...remember His words here... Matthew 26:39 "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." But His faith was stronger than emotion.

Unfortunately for me, my faith is often times over taken by emotions. I'm a fickle sinning human.

So I read verses like the ones above and like this one, James 1:20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

And I remember that He's bigger than me. And that yes, He allowed my dad to pass from this life to heaven, but His purpose is greater than my emotion. And you know what else...so is His love for me. John 3:16.

When I'm angry that my dad is gone...I remember that.

But sometimes...its hard.