Facing My Fears

Tomorrow is my first 'real' day on the 'job'. What I am calling my first real day of staying home full time.

And I guess that makes it time for me to admit my biggest fear with staying home full time.

You might guess it to be that I will regret my decision. No, I know this wont be easy, I know that there will be days when I long for the corporate world. But regret no, I will never regret this time.

You might think it is that Im worried about how this will affect us financially. No, I know things will be tighter but we are figuring it out and I trust that Jordan knows what he's doing! ;)

You might think Im worried that I'll become a 250 lb woman who just sits on the couch eating and watching soaps all day. Ha! not quite...I dont think sitting down is even listed in this job description!

So what is my biggest fear?

Well let me start with this...

I havent been able to be in our church service in a few weeks due to the holidays and my nursery duty schedule. I was SO looking forward to today. To hearing a great message from God's word and to have Him speak to me through that.

And I wasnt disappointed.

We were in Habakkuk. Yes, that's a real book in the bible. I haven't ventured there much either! or at all.

But the gist of the first chapter is, "How to worship when your world is falling apart" or it could have been titled, "Where are you God?!?"

Habakkuk spends the first 4 verses basically questioning God and saying, Why? Why are we surrounded by wicked? Why haven't you done anything about this? Why arent you keeping your promise to deal with the unrighteous. Why aren't you listening to my cry? Why are you indifferent to this problem?

Well God explains in verse 5 that if Habakkuk would just quit his complaining and questiong and LOOK AROUND, he would see that God was doing His good work, fulfilling His promises. He was in fact MOViNG NATIONS to deal with the nation of Israel. God was saying, Habakkuk, I am answering your prayers...I'm doing it on MY schedule and you are refusing to see the awesome and wonderous things all around you!

Pastor led us to other great men of the bible who have questioned God:

Job, David, Jeremiah and even Jesus, our Lord and Savior - "My God, My God, Why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt 27:46) And in each case God knew what He was doing. God was in control and was working His masterful plan.

I love that. I love knowing that even when I cannot see it or understand it, God's plan is still soverign and right and failproof. I love it that in the end...my God ALWAYS wins.

So that leads me back to staying home. As I said in previous posts Jordan and I both feel humbled to look back over our lives together and to see how God has set this decision in motion long ago. That there are so many things that seemed trivial to us or that we just thought, Why? Why now? But NOW they make sense. Now we know WHY, now we know WHY NOW.

Its awesome.

And 3 weeks ago, 5 weeks ago, I was so confident in this decision. So ready for this adventure so pumped to get started.

But in all my sinful ways. Now that the time is here and now that the excitement of making the decision is over...my biggest fear is grabbing hold of my heart and causing me to doubt. And you know whose bringing that biggest fear - Satan. 1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant, for your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion walketh about seeking whom He may devour.

So even though I KNOW I'm walking in God's plan. Following His will for us right now. I have doubts and fears because I'm so fickle, so weak, so easily swayed that I let him (Satan) in to try and devour me!

So I'm admitting my fear and moving on from it.

My fear is that at the end of the day, or the end of the first week or month...my kids might look at me and say, "Gee mom, when are you going back to work? Cause daycare and grandma's house are sure a lot more fun than you!"

That might sound crazy but really...I'm not really that fun. And I can have a short temper and I like to keep my house picked up and I require them to eat meals and not snack all day and I dont provide CONSTANT entertainment like grandma and daycare do.

So there, that's my fear. And after admitting it I will be mindful of it and I will remember to BE fun, to sit with my kids and play and learn and read and laugh with them - EVERY DAY. And I will force myself to remember that the laundry can wait and the floor can be dirty. And I will remind myself that these years are fading fast and I better hold on now for all that I can.

And I will remind myself that God's plan and God's will are being done. God reminded me today in church and I pray that He will continue to remind me of this. That He is in control and that Satan is full of lies and deceit that will not win.

Habakkuk 3:19 "The Soverign Lord is my strength and he will make my feet like deers feet, and he will enable me to go on the heights."

Love that promise. And with that...Im going on to the heights.